Craig Junior
by puffygeemoth
Summary: Wow, I couldn't believe there were so few DT fanfics on this site. This one's about Xandir's ex, Craig, who was mentioned in a few confessional gags. I've just got a synopsis so far, so I will see how it goes. The POV will change each chapter. This is my first fanfic, so feedback will be appreciated.
1. Chapter 1 - Xandir

When I first moved into the Drawn Together house, I thought it was just Foxxy who had parenting issues. But then I saw Toot's baby go to foster care, Captain Hero's inbred retard of a son... and Spanky killed every child he had without any regret. I was worried that maybe we were all shitty parents, and maybe I was about to be proven right.

I woke up on the couch, slightly messed up from doing Ling-Ling the night before, to the sound of the phone I had to share with six retards and Foxxy. Didn't they know not to call the Drawn Together cast at the crack of noon? Anyway, Hero picked up the call, in his usual whiney effeminate voice.

"Hello? Who is it? Child Services again? Oh, how _lovely_ to hear from you! If it's Foxxy you want, she's out with Spanky, call back later. You _don't _want to talk with her? Oh, OK then. No, there's nobody called Craig here, I'm sorry."

_Craig?_ I thought. _Not Craig, please!_

Hero was still talking, twirling his hair around his finger. "What? Oh, Xandir? Yes, you can speak to him." Christ, he sounded like a helium addict.

"Oh, fuck me," I said, as he handed me the receiver. "Hello?"

"Your son was found lost and unattended in the middle of Azeroth."

I gasped. "Really? How come?"

"We're asking you," the voice said sternly.

"What? Oh, you don't get it," I replied. "He's not in my custody."

"It says so on our records."

"No, he lives with his father." I giggled nervously. "Oh, this must be a terrible misunderstanding."

There was silence on the line for a few moments.

"Sir," said the social worker, "Craig has been dead for sixteen months now."

I gasped again. "Really? How come? Where's Craig Junior been all this time?"

"We assumed he was with you."

"OK, OK," I said, trying to keep my breathing steady. "Look, just bring him over to our place and I'll look after him."

"Address?"

"You _know_ where the Drawn Together house is," I said flatly. I hung up.

During my conversation, Clara and Wooldoor had come downstairs in their pyjamas, and were now staring at me. I looked from one to the other, trying to keep my breathing steady as the shock settled in.

"CRAIG'S DEAD!" I cried, unable to control myself. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" I frantically began pacing the room.


	2. Chapter 2 - Foxxy

**Quick note: Thanks for reading the previous chapter. Yes, I know the grammar and stuff is bad here, it's deliberate. A review would definitely be appreciated here (hint hint). This is Foxxy's point of view. Enjoy! :)**

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"Toot!"

"Huh?" she said, taking her fat head out the refrigerator for the first time in months. She had my funions, again! I snatched them off of her.

"How many times I have to tell you?" I asked. "Them ain't your funions, them's Foxxy funions!"

"Then why does it say 'Foxxy funions' on the pack?" Toot pointed at the sticky note.

"Because they's Foxxy funions, retard!" I put them inside my shorts. "What time's it, Toot?"

Toot shrugged. "About noon, I think. Ling-Ling's still asleep." She popped a can of ginger ale and slurped at it. "Boy, we got _pretty_ wasted last night. Captain Hero got another restraining order." She laughed that squeaky laugh of hers, before crushing her can in her hand and eating it.

Suddenly we heard a scream coming from the living room.

"CRAIG'S DEAD!"

When we walked in we saw Xandir in such a state, the Foxxy didn't know what to do. He was pacing the room, saying, "Oh my God," over and over, driving Foxxy Love crazy. We all watched and waited for Xandir to calm hisself down.

"Dude, he died, like, over a year ago," said Hero. But this only made Xandir worse, so I hissed at him to shut the fuck up.

After a few minutes, Xandir stopped freaking out and sat down on the sofa, but not before attracting the attention of everyone else in the house (except for Spanky, who was out smoking weed at a strip joint. He was gonna take me there with him, but I ditched him when I found out I used to work there).

The Foxxy was the first to speak. "What happened?" I asked. "Who the hell is Craig?"

Xandir sniffled, wiped away his tears. "My ex boyfriend. He died sixteen moths ago and nobody told me and our son's been lost in the World of Warcraft." He took a few deep breaths, then started talking to his hand. "Strong Xandir, strong Xandir," he pleaded, but after a couple seconds he just started crying again.

"How come Craig's dead?" asked Wooldoor, sounding slightly too happy as usual.

"I don't know," Xandir said wearily. He got up and went to his room, still crying. "Junior will be here in about an hour." Hero, Ling-Ling and Toot followed him up, see that he was OK.

Clara and Wooldoor looked at each other awkwardly. I knew they didn't give a damn about Xandir's boyfriend, because they were both Catholics. As far as the stupid princess was concerned, Craig deserved to die. They both scooted off without a word.

I sat on the sofa, thinking. Another baby of ours taken in by Social Services? They made the Foxxy Love sick. On the other hand, this could be a chance to see poor little Timmy, Kwametta and Ray-Ray again. Mommy misses them so much.

And also, Craig was dead. Uknown causes.

Foxxy had herself a mystery.


	3. Chapter 3 - Spanky

My phone rang while I was doing weed in Foxxy's old strip club. I groaned, hoping it wasn't my lawyer again.

"Hello?" I said, trying to sober up. "What? The queer? He's crying over something again?" I smiled hazily. "Yeah, I'll be over. I'll bring popcorn and vodka." I wasn't gonna miss this.

I threw my half-finished butt out the window, and donned my coat and hat. And just in case I felt bad later on (unlikely as that was), I put a tip in my ashtray before I went out.

By the time I got back, Clara and Wooldoor had gone to bed, and everyone else was in Xandir and Hero's room. I passed around the alcohol, setting the candy floss and chips on the bedside table. Predictably, Toot was the first to take some.

Captain Hero had his arms around Xandir, and Xandir was sobbing into his chest. I tried to suppress a smirk, but I guess I failed because Foxxy slapped me across the face. After flipping her off, I took a swig of beer and sat on Hero's bed.

"Which Twilight movie did he see this time?" I asked, breaking the weird silence in the room.

Foxxy shot me another look, before saying, "You know Craig, Xandir's ex? He died and the SS don't even bother changing Junior's address, the lazy fuckers." She crossed her arms and legs, turning her nose up; Social Services had screwed with her as well. "We don't even know why he got dead in the first place."

I tried to act sympathetic, but I kinda got distracted by the fact that Hero was now running his fingers through Xandir's hair. "Junior?" I asked.

"Craig and Xandir's baby," clarified Foxxy. "Don't you remember that time when Xandir went and got hisself pregnant?"

I thought for a moment. "Oh yeah."

The queer sobbed harder, pulling away from Hero and covering his face with his hands. Ling put a fucked-up orange hand on his shoulder, offering sympathy in his usual Asian gibberish. I didn't even bother reading the subtitles.

We all stayed quiet for a few minutes, before the doorbell rang.

"That must be the social worker," Xandir said glumly. He got up with a weary sigh, looking jaded, disoriented. "Don't follow me." He left the room, whispering to himself to be strong.

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**Sorry about the wait, and thanks for the review! :D**


	4. Chapter 4 - Ling-Ling

Nobody sreep the night Claig Junior allived, he just keep clying, and scleaming; it seem rike Xandir not see his son rong time. Ling-Ling keep healing him in next loom.

Seem rike Junior bling Xandir shame, lemind me of Father. He ashamed of son for riving in Drawn Together House. But Xandir should be ploud of son, having child gleat honour.

At eight, Ling-Ling stop tlying to sreep, and just get up. After shower with Plerr shampoo, Ling-Ling go in Xandir and Helo loom, where Xandir bleastfeed baby. Xandir give Ling-Ling funny rook, turn to talk with Captain Helo.

"Y'know, Junior only has one parent left now," he say, "And I'm on a seven-year contract with the quest company. It's not like a football contract, where you can just cancel it whever you feel. They'll take away my health insurance, all my money and self-defence equipment. I'm pretty much bound to it."

Helo show he actuary risten for once, by nod head.

"So if anything happens to me while I'm away saving the Genie-" Xandir voice clack up. He start clying again, and Helo put arms lound him. Xandir purr back because he callying Junior, and sit on bed. He sob for a while, locking baby, before speak again. "I want you to take him to live with my parents."

Captain Helo nod head again, before give Xandir gentle pat on back. Then he go downstairs.

Ling-Ling go to put hand on Xandir shoulder, but he flown and say, "Oh no, Ling-Ling, I'm not trusting you with a baby. You know how it is."

Ling-Ling stop and hang head a rittle. Battring habit not learry gift anymore, more of annoyance. After Toot baby incident, nobody ever reave kids with Ling-Ling. Ling-Ling feel hallucinogen seep from skin. Ling-Ling reave loom before Junior start clying again.

Downstairs, Spanky and Foxxy on laptop, plobabry rooking at porn site again, correcting viluses for Ling-Ling to fix again. Just reave evely job for Ling-Ling, why not?

"What on scleen this time?" Ling-Ling ask, "Not next episode of _Hally Potter and Golden Shower_?"

Foxxy laugh. "No, Ling-Ling. The Foxxy got a mystery to solve."

Here we go again, Ling-Ling think. Chocorate-face harot gonna fuck things up big time.

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**Wow, shitty grammar, cuz of the whole Asians-can't-get-their-tongues-round-their-Rs thing. This was probably the hardest chapter so far. Thanks for reading, and another review! (Two- I feel so loved!) I'm hoping to update this story every week or so, but don't be surprised if it takes longer, because I've got a shitload of other stuff to do right now.**


	5. Chapter 5 - Clara

Out of the female housemates, I'm the only one who wants to be and might actually make a decent parent, and yet I'm the only one who's never been laid. And then Xandir, the homo in the house, turns out pregnant. You would not believe how much that pissed me off. I mean, that's just bad biology.

Craig actually came from my Kingdom, but was from the video game precinct rather than the film precinct where I was born. My stepmother actually knew his mother, though apparently they weren't really friends. However, I did once hear her mention him moving to the World of Warcraft a few years ago, which was mainly for more skilled members of local gaming worlds.

I actually missed my old home. I missed Father and my stepmom, and how socially backwards everyone was. Anyone with brown skin or chinky eyes was a slave, anyone not Christian or heterosexual was burned at stake, and Jews were also banned. My father's Kingdom really was a great place.

Several days after Craig Junior arrived, Xandir was beginning to get sleep deprived. I sat in the kitchen with Junior in his new high chair, because he wouldn't trust any of the others with his baby. He was surprisingly quiet around me, just attempted to pick up peas in his little plastic spoon.

Foxxy sat across the table from me, tapping away on Spanky's laptop. She'd been hogging that thing for quite a while now, and I knew that even Foxxy couldn't masturbate to hardcore porn for eight days straight.

"Er, Foxxy?" I asked.

"Uh-huh?" she responded, without even looking up from the screen.

"What have you been doing for the past week or so?"

"Solving a mystery."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes; Mother always used to tell me how impolite it was.

After a few seconds, Foxxy slammed the laptop shut. Her mouth was twisted in frustration. "Clara," she said, "You got any clues as to how Craig got hisself dead?"

"No." I shook my head. "But I do know that he came from my father's Kingdom."

Foxxy raised a carefully plucked eyebrow, looking vaguely surprised. Then she shook her head at me. "Why'd you not tell the Foxxy this before?"

I leaned back from her, anticipating a fight. "I didn't really think it would help very much. I mean, he wasn't from my area or anything, and I never actually met him. My stepmother knew his mom, that's all."

She folded her arms with a look of slight exasperation. "Girl, you got a lotta learn 'bout mysteries and all that shit. This whole thing is for real-real, not just for play-play." But then she smiled. "At least we got a step closer to solving this."

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**Wow, as soon as I try to make a commitment to something I was doing just fine with, I screw up. I really wish I could stretch it out a bit longer, but I have a feeling that I'm already about halfway through this story, and it would be a shame to make it redundant. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!**


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